For anyone who has been around Nothing Like I Expected for any amount of time you may be aware of my desire to start a podcast. Longing to share more of my heart in a manner other than blogging and finally after years of dreaming and waiting we have finally started. Ian and I launched Living Mosaic Podcast the week between Christmas and New Years.
My vision with Living Mosaic was birthed from learning about the Japanese art form kintsugi where gold is used to fuse broken pottery back together. There is such beauty in that concept but what happens when life takes you to a place where you can’t go back to what once was. No longer is your dream to be a bowl because the shards are just too fine. Then what? Where do you go from that place?
You take those broken bits and fashion them into something completely different. You make yourself a living breathing mosaic to be put on display for the world to see. Often your life will not look like you expected but it can absolutely be the most beautiful thing, more beautiful than you can have ever imagined.
Our first season is about Deconstruction. We will also be talking about marriage, parenting, culture and so much more over time.
Darkness filled every part of my being for what felt like months. Hope had disappeared and I wasn’t sure I would make it. I know this sounds dramatic but a loss of one’s faith is just that, dramatic.
There is immense pain in deconstruction.
We don’t suddenly on a whim think, “gee you know what would be fun? To walk away from all that once made us feel safe and secure.”
People’s assumptions about deconstruction are often false.
Thoughts like we…
…“chose” this endeavor.
…want to be able to “excuse our sin.”
…simply hate the church and want to drag everyone away with us.
The truth is, I stumbled upon this road not taken because of a whirlwind of life events and then there were too many things left that I couldn’t unsee.
I will not even begin to say that I have it all figured out or that I am 100% correct in the things I have discovered. What I will say is that deconstruction has been a journey of healing for me personally. Sure we could get trapped in the tearing down of things but the heart I have often seen in others has been one of wanting to sift through the rubble and fully know Truth. Rebuilding takes time though, be patient and kind.
Odds are a “deconstructor” has faced some form a cataclysmic event in their life that shattered their once held perspective on things. Now they live in this space of not feeling safe in their own being calling into question quite literally everything around them. I have spent the last three years (and then some) sifting through quite literally everything. Memories of experiences even change after events that bring forth deconstruction. It is as if there is a removal of rose colored glasses for the church.
What happens now?
Those 3 words have played over and over in my mind. Where do I go from here? How do I move forward? Faith and hope was kind of my bread and butter but lately they have felt like foreign enemies. The shedding of theologies and poor teachings is brutally uncomfortable. To face the stripped down version of myself and in turn God for so long felt impossible but ended up being inevitable. Now, I find myself emerging into this new being, still finding my footing but fully trusting myself to the process.
There is so much more I want to say but I am still trying to find all of the words. I find myself wrestling with wanting to have it all figured out before showing things but I think I have decided that is not a thing in life. Wisdom is gained over time and with a willingness to shift and look at things from different perspectives. All I know is when my crumbling began I felt hopelessly alone. Most of my friends were from church or my mission days and my desire to share my journey has been to be a beacon out in the waves calling out, “you are not alone, you got this, you will find your footing again.”
Thank you to those who have read, encouraged and walked alongside.
(this is a continuation about my deconstruction journey if you missed previous blogs go here if you desire more context)
Has a rock ever hit your windshield and there was a slight crack but it was barely noticeable and after a while you didn’t even see it? I think for years moments like that were happening for me in my faith journey. There would be a small shift or change and I would look at it cockeyed momentarily then over time I didn’t really notice it anymore and life carried on.
One morning my damaged windshield got its final blow that took it out, no longer could I overlook it, as the whole thing had spiderwebbed across my entire line of sight.
What damaging blow you might ask? Reading the story of David after being prompted by the book 100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs. Just days before I had watched the movie Troy, yes the one with Brad Pitt; with it fresh on my mind as I read this story in the old testament about a shepherd boy I began to see shocking parallels.
If you weren’t brought up in the church you may not know the full story of King David but I bet you have heard part of his story. He is the reject of his family. When a prophet comes and tells his father, “I have been sent to anoint one of your son’s as the future king bring me all of your sons,” he doesn’t even think to get David from the field. He fought the giant Goliath (if you want an interesting take watch this). He wrote huge chunks of the book of Psalms. Last but not least, it is said that the very bloodline of Jesus Christ comes from King David as well.
Back to Troy and my destroyed windshield of life.
There I am sitting on my couch reading a passage about David from the scriptures and I begin to see all of these parallels between the story of David and the mythic man of Achilles:
David
Achilles
A group of mighty men.
An army loyal to him.
Issues with King Saul.
Issues with King Agamemnon.
Plays a harp (lyre).
Plays a lyre.
Has intimate friendship with Jonathan.
Has an intimate friendship with Patroclus.
Promised King’s daughter for one feat than was taken away.
Bridal battle prize was taken away by the king for his own “use.”
Being the absolute nerd that I am wanting to know which story came first the story of David or of Achilles I did a bit of googling.
Much to my horror the discovery that Achilles predated King David began a tsunami like effect. For those of you who care: it is believed that the Trojan War would have been around 1194 BC and King David would have come into play around 1010 BC. As I continued to look into the history of things I discovered that there was limited historical evidence outside of the Bible that a King David ever existed.
Cue free fall.
Suddenly I felt as though the earth from under me had opened up and I was just falling into this unknown abyss. If David never existed then how could Christ come from him? He was this key player in the faith I had built my life around. I spent literal YEARS reading the psalms as a sick kid. I consistently went back to different Psalm like, 143:
A psalm of David.
Lord, hear my prayer.
In your faithfulness listen to my plea,
and in your righteousness answer me.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one alive is righteous in your sight.
For the enemy has pursued me,
crushing me to the ground,
making me live in darkness
like those long dead.
My spirit is weak within me;
my heart is overcome with dismay.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all you have done;
I reflect on the work of your hands.
I spread out my hands to you;
I am like parched land before you.Selah
The last five verses being a constant go to. (may have even highlighted this in a Bible at a wedding for a friend while my own marriage was in a rocky place, you’re welcome Natalie)
Answer me quickly, Lord;
my spirit fails.
Don’t hide your face from me,
or I will be like those
going down to the Pit.
Let me experience
your faithful love in the morning,
for I trust in you.
Reveal to me the way I should go
because I appeal to you.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I come to you for protection.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit
lead me on level ground.
For your name’s sake, Lord,
let me live.
In your righteousness deliver me from trouble,
and in your faithful love destroy my enemies.
Wipe out all those who attack me,
for I am your servant.
And just about everyone and their dog knows the 23rd Psalm, it has been bathroom art and cross stitched gold for centuries:
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
Discovering David may not have been flesh and blood was like a death of a close friend. Yes, I am aware if he is real he has been dead a long time but that is not the point. I am just trying to convey the journey I went on.
Suddenly, this ancient text that I had built so much of my life on seemed to be a lie. I had been taught that the pages of the Bible were sacred and holy, that every word was 100% true and infallible. Fear of going directly to hell by simply questioning the validity of the text gripped me.
Everything “spiritual” stopped at this point in my life yet somehow I became the most spiritual I have ever been through this season.
My quiet times no longer looked like sitting down with the Bible and a journal; now I walk our property, get my hands in the dirt and intentionally quiet myself in times of mayhem. No longer looking for answers between the pages of a book I started to look within and towards the Creator. My spirituality ceased being about checking boxes and morphed into becoming my truest self.
