(this is a continuation about my deconstruction journey if you missed previous blogs go here if you desire more context)
Has a rock ever hit your windshield and there was a slight crack but it was barely noticeable and after a while you didn’t even see it? I think for years moments like that were happening for me in my faith journey. There would be a small shift or change and I would look at it cockeyed momentarily then over time I didn’t really notice it anymore and life carried on.
One morning my damaged windshield got its final blow that took it out, no longer could I overlook it, as the whole thing had spiderwebbed across my entire line of sight.
What damaging blow you might ask? Reading the story of David after being prompted by the book 100 Days to Brave by Annie F. Downs. Just days before I had watched the movie Troy, yes the one with Brad Pitt; with it fresh on my mind as I read this story in the old testament about a shepherd boy I began to see shocking parallels.
If you weren’t brought up in the church you may not know the full story of King David but I bet you have heard part of his story. He is the reject of his family. When a prophet comes and tells his father, “I have been sent to anoint one of your son’s as the future king bring me all of your sons,” he doesn’t even think to get David from the field. He fought the giant Goliath (if you want an interesting take watch this). He wrote huge chunks of the book of Psalms. Last but not least, it is said that the very bloodline of Jesus Christ comes from King David as well.
Back to Troy and my destroyed windshield of life.
There I am sitting on my couch reading a passage about David from the scriptures and I begin to see all of these parallels between the story of David and the mythic man of Achilles:
| David | Achilles |
| A group of mighty men. | An army loyal to him. |
| Issues with King Saul. | Issues with King Agamemnon. |
| Plays a harp (lyre). | Plays a lyre. |
| Has intimate friendship with Jonathan. | Has an intimate friendship with Patroclus. |
| Promised King’s daughter for one feat than was taken away. | Bridal battle prize was taken away by the king for his own “use.” |
Being the absolute nerd that I am wanting to know which story came first the story of David or of Achilles I did a bit of googling.
Much to my horror the discovery that Achilles predated King David began a tsunami like effect. For those of you who care: it is believed that the Trojan War would have been around 1194 BC and King David would have come into play around 1010 BC. As I continued to look into the history of things I discovered that there was limited historical evidence outside of the Bible that a King David ever existed.
Cue free fall.
Suddenly I felt as though the earth from under me had opened up and I was just falling into this unknown abyss. If David never existed then how could Christ come from him? He was this key player in the faith I had built my life around. I spent literal YEARS reading the psalms as a sick kid. I consistently went back to different Psalm like, 143:
A psalm of David.
Lord, hear my prayer.
In your faithfulness listen to my plea,
and in your righteousness answer me.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one alive is righteous in your sight.
For the enemy has pursued me,
crushing me to the ground,
making me live in darkness
like those long dead.
My spirit is weak within me;
my heart is overcome with dismay.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all you have done;
I reflect on the work of your hands.
I spread out my hands to you;
I am like parched land before you.Selah
The last five verses being a constant go to. (may have even highlighted this in a Bible at a wedding for a friend while my own marriage was in a rocky place, you’re welcome Natalie)
Answer me quickly, Lord;
my spirit fails.
Don’t hide your face from me,
or I will be like those
going down to the Pit.
Let me experience
your faithful love in the morning,
for I trust in you.
Reveal to me the way I should go
because I appeal to you.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord;
I come to you for protection.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit
lead me on level ground.
For your name’s sake, Lord,
let me live.
In your righteousness deliver me from trouble,
and in your faithful love destroy my enemies.
Wipe out all those who attack me,
for I am your servant.
And just about everyone and their dog knows the 23rd Psalm, it has been bathroom art and cross stitched gold for centuries:
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
Discovering David may not have been flesh and blood was like a death of a close friend. Yes, I am aware if he is real he has been dead a long time but that is not the point. I am just trying to convey the journey I went on.
Suddenly, this ancient text that I had built so much of my life on seemed to be a lie. I had been taught that the pages of the Bible were sacred and holy, that every word was 100% true and infallible. Fear of going directly to hell by simply questioning the validity of the text gripped me.
Everything “spiritual” stopped at this point in my life yet somehow I became the most spiritual I have ever been through this season.
My quiet times no longer looked like sitting down with the Bible and a journal; now I walk our property, get my hands in the dirt and intentionally quiet myself in times of mayhem. No longer looking for answers between the pages of a book I started to look within and towards the Creator. My spirituality ceased being about checking boxes and morphed into becoming my truest self.
