I want to let you in on a dirty little secret my most coveted treasure from childhood doesn’t look as it once did. What treasure is that?
My faith. I have been on a journey of deconstruction for the last 3ish years.
People hear that word, deconstruction, this visceral charge will pulse through the conversation. There are times when I say deconstruction and I picture the hyenas from Lion King shuddering saying, “oooh! Do it again!” as they did when the name Mufasa was uttered.
To some people all of the emotions associated with deconstruction are negative. For others deconstruction is this freeing piece of their life. Others still don’t know how to feel because either they are in the beginning stages or have never encountered it. Not knowing where you land on this word I invite you to step into my story and have a peek at my journey.
In sharing my experience over the next little bit my hope is not to push you one way or the other but to challenge you to gain empathy. Empathy for yourself and others in both faith and life in general.
For simplicity sake, if I can call it that we are going to start at the “break up,” then briefly glimpse back, followed by the path I have chosen to walk since.
These words were penned after I was told one too many times not to “forsake the gathering of the brethren”:
I went through a divorce and it was nasty.
People took sides.
Hearts were broken.
Children were left confused.
Hell, I was left confused and overwhelmed by betrayal of what I believed would be a lifelong love affair.
Seeing the abuse did not come easy. Things shared tasted sweet like honey at first but ultimately rotted me out at the core.
I tried being faithful and giving the benefit of the doubt but the more I did this the worse it got. As our relationship got seemingly closer the more shattered I became until one day I just couldn’t any longer.
I walked away. But nervously I tried a little more only to realize for my survival I had to fully walk, leaving it all behind.
Well-meaning friends would tell me to try again or that they were praying for me but I don’t think they could fully see all of the damage that had been done.
Truly seeing the heart that was destroyed, the mouth that had been gagged and the woundings my body bore did not matter because that relationship was “vital”.
What relationship you ask? The one I had with the church.
I don’t mean the body of Christ as a whole but the buildings that have seemingly become corporations instead of families. Institutions often putting the bottom line before living and breathing people.
I know, I know, not all churches are that way.
But me stepping away from the “gathering of the brethren” as it is so often put feels no different to me than a woman stepping away from a toxic relationship and in turn all romantic relationships for a season.
Instead of “praying for” and pushing your church attending beliefs on someone else maybe sit with them in their uncomfortable lot in life and truly listen.
Choose to look and truly see the scars and often times open wounds. They are real. They are painful. They cause tears to flow in the shower and questions to fly about one’s own faith.
Your insistence of having the “right” way just causes more pain and grief and feels like salt in a very raw wound.
You wouldn’t tell a woman who just escaped an abusive marriage there are other great guys out there jump on in and you will see (or dear God, I hope you wouldn’t). Instead you would bring comfort and encouragement for her to heal.
Allowing her to take the time she needs while silently pray that healing and wholeness would prevail in her life.
Please do the same for us who have gone through a painful divorce with an entity we once truly loved with all of our being.
We are hurt. We are healing. And who knows in time we may get out there once more.
Thank you for your words, Lauren. After repeatedly feeling compelled to stay (before & for over a year after the upheaval), we felt just as strongly compelled to leave in the fall of 2020. We have since been on a very frustrating journey of looking for a new home to no avail (yet). I often feel like giving up the search. I’m frequently examining my beliefs. I totally empathize with you! Some good has come of this & (I’m sure) even more that I can’t yet see or understand. Just wanted you to know that I care about you guys. <3
Mrs. Pruett, thank you. I honestly stopped following all of the insanity after our “sit down” after the upheaval where I feel like they did a quick “CYA” and then left us once more. Thankfully, I am not looking to them to provide for our needs (even if we were told counseling among other things would be covered by them). It is interesting how such a gut wrenching experience in a community causes us to question all of the things. Praying for you as you continue on your journey of (re)learning where your heart stands with the Creator of the universe. A few things I have realized since all of this is: God isn’t scared of our big questions, His time and ours do not line up and that the journey is absolutely worth it. <3