Darkness filled every part of my being for what felt like months. Hope had disappeared and I wasn’t sure I would make it. I know this sounds dramatic but a loss of one’s faith is just that, dramatic.
There is immense pain in deconstruction.
We don’t suddenly on a whim think, “gee you know what would be fun? To walk away from all that once made us feel safe and secure.”
People’s assumptions about deconstruction are often false.
Thoughts like we…
…“chose” this endeavor.
…want to be able to “excuse our sin.”
…simply hate the church and want to drag everyone away with us.
The truth is, I stumbled upon this road not taken because of a whirlwind of life events and then there were too many things left that I couldn’t unsee.
I will not even begin to say that I have it all figured out or that I am 100% correct in the things I have discovered. What I will say is that deconstruction has been a journey of healing for me personally. Sure we could get trapped in the tearing down of things but the heart I have often seen in others has been one of wanting to sift through the rubble and fully know Truth. Rebuilding takes time though, be patient and kind.
Odds are a “deconstructor” has faced some form a cataclysmic event in their life that shattered their once held perspective on things. Now they live in this space of not feeling safe in their own being calling into question quite literally everything around them. I have spent the last three years (and then some) sifting through quite literally everything. Memories of experiences even change after events that bring forth deconstruction. It is as if there is a removal of rose colored glasses for the church.
What happens now?
Those 3 words have played over and over in my mind. Where do I go from here? How do I move forward? Faith and hope was kind of my bread and butter but lately they have felt like foreign enemies. The shedding of theologies and poor teachings is brutally uncomfortable. To face the stripped down version of myself and in turn God for so long felt impossible but ended up being inevitable. Now, I find myself emerging into this new being, still finding my footing but fully trusting myself to the process.
There is so much more I want to say but I am still trying to find all of the words. I find myself wrestling with wanting to have it all figured out before showing things but I think I have decided that is not a thing in life. Wisdom is gained over time and with a willingness to shift and look at things from different perspectives. All I know is when my crumbling began I felt hopelessly alone. Most of my friends were from church or my mission days and my desire to share my journey has been to be a beacon out in the waves calling out, “you are not alone, you got this, you will find your footing again.”
I adore you. Thank you for being transparent and sharing your journey to healing.
You are not alone!