Breaking the Silence: My Side of the Story

***WARNING*** if you or someone you know has been through sexual abuse this post may be traumatic to read.

This is the 2nd post in my series Breaking the Silence, read the first one (here). I also had a post called No More Silence that shared a bit about our story with childhood sexual abuse and the church, you can read that post (here)

I am not going to give details because they are not mine to share but I am going to share my reactions to the general statements my boys made.

The first time our attention was brought to our boys abuse was at dinner one night. Our two-year old at the time was standing in his seat eating and out of nowhere he described something that shocked Ian and I to the core. We instantly asked a list of questions about what he had just said. We asked if he had experienced similar things with other people. His answers were all over the place and his older brother said he had never had anything like this happen to him. Not knowing what to do we just dropped it. 

It was a few weeks later when our older son made his outcry.

I was laying in bed nursing our youngest at the time to sleep for his nap. I was laying there listening to them play and they started running up and down the hall. When the oldest got to my door I asked him what they were doing and he said they were playing the game they played with blank (their abuser). Instantly had a check in my spirit but I tried to play it cool so I nonchalantly said, “What game is that?” Not even phased he went on to tell me about a secret fort (first punch in the gut) and then about what happened in the fort (cue me wanting to hurl all over the place). I very calmly said we don’t play those games with our brothers and off he ran to continue playing. 

By this time thankfully the baby was asleep, so I grabbed my phone, slipped off of my bed and ran to my bathroom to call my mom. I think I held it together for the start of the conversation that went something like this:

Me: Mom, he told me *blank*. It can’t be made up can it?

Mom: No baby, I am sorry. I would believe that it happened.

Me: *collapsing on to the floor* What do I do?? How? Why?

Mom: I don’t know baby. I am so sorry. I love you. I am here. 

Most of that conversation is a blur but since my mom is a Licensed Counselor and well my MOM she was the only person I could think to call in hopes she could tell me in good faith it wasn’t true but she couldn’t. 

When a child says something of a sexual nature especially something detailed the odds of it not being true is next to nothing. Kids do not have a grid to make something like that up. If a child tells you something about an adult or another kid doing something to them PLEASE take it seriously. 

I have been told by survivors, licensed professionals and just other people in general that I handled the outcry so well. I didn’t show panic to my son. I didn’t question the validity of what he said. I didn’t shame him. Instead I asked open-ended questions, acknowledged everything he said as fact and then directly said that was not okay behavior. 

I honestly haven’t the foggiest on why I responded that way other than Holy Spirit was VERY near.

If you ever find yourself in a similar situation I would encourage you to keep your poker face on in the moment. Try your best not to show the child what it is you are feeling. Allow them to talk, ask non-pointed question (for example: that’s interesting. What happened next?) and most of all do not deny that it happened to them. 

The moment the child is no longer close by feel free to let it all out, cry, scream, puke, sit in disbelief – they are all valid responses.

I pray this never has to be a thing in your world but I hope that if you do encounter something like this our story helps you in your response.

If you would like to follow along in the series make sure to subscribe to my blog! If you have been impacted by childhood sexual abuse in some manner help me in Breaking the Silence and share this with those you love in your world.