For years I begged for the tears to flow and they never would, now sitting here tonight I wonder why in the world I would ever beg God for the ability to cry. Tears flow now, when I am happy, when I am sad, when I see a baptism (even if it is of a complete stranger) and tonight for reasons I am unsure of. Some might blame the tears on the fact that I am a girl and girls cry or because I am pregnant and it is normal for emotions to run high but I am not convinced. It is as though my spirit has caught wind of something before the rest of me has. I feel grieved in a way I can not explain and I have this gripping fear of what is to come.
Life lately has been a wide array of emotions. I honestly feel as though since I came home from YWAM summer of 2009 life has been a constant roller coaster of major life events. There has not been slowing down but only speeding up. I kind of feel like I am on that boat in Willy Wonka and Gene Wilder is singing that song:
Round the world and home again
That’s the sailor’s way
Faster faster, faster fasterThere’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There’s no knowing where we’re rowing
Or which way the river’s flowingIs it raining, is it snowing
Is a hurricane a-blowingNot a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing
Is the grisly reaper mowingYes, the danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing
And they’re certainly not showing
Any signs that they are slowing
Yes, that is exactly how life feels right now. I feel as though I am on this wild ride and I have no idea how it is all going to turn out. Life certainly not showing any signs that it is slowing. I feel as though I blink and months are gone but at the same time weeks feel as though they drag. I am aware that makes no sense. Part of me still believes that emotions are equivalent to weakness and that I should just be strong but I don’t know how to do that any more. I am beyond grateful for a husband who loves my emotions and encourages me to embrace them, I wish I was as okay with feelings as he is. I think that is one of the many reasons why God put us together.
Like I said before since coming home there has been nothing but major life events. I mean I went from coming home to get a degree so I could leave again – to married, not in school, helping my husband start a business, with a baby and one on the way. That is a lot in three or so years, no matter how you swing it. God is good and I know that I am in the right spot even though all feels like a whirlwind swirling around me. Like I said in my last post the key is to sit back and remember who is in charge. All I do know is that I am grateful it is not our government or me that is in charge.
Now to find peace in the confusion. To be okay with feeling the emotions and not fully being able to comprehend why, that is not easy for this scientific brain. I almost want to ask God if He is aware of how hard that is for me. I am not sure He cares though, He tends to enjoy stretching people, making them grow in ways they never wanted or were unaware they asked for. Little did I know that when I asked for tears they wouldn’t just flow when they were “supposed” to but that they would come in waves with incomplete feelings. One day this will all make sense. But that day is not today and that is okay.
