My goal with today’s post is to wrap up my part of the “Breaking the Silence” Series.
I wish I could say that we had some great closure from our abuse story, that our abuser got some form of repercussion that felt fitting but I can not. Other than counseling I don’t think the abuser faced anything, which is less than satisfying.
Through this process I have had to continually remember to keep my eyes fixed on my own lane. I can not control what happened to him but I can have a hand in how we were going to handle the situation with our boys. We have actively chosen to remain present in this story. Our boys over the last 2.5 years have brought up their abuser and the abuse itself in countless different ways many times over.
I decided early on I would never tell them not to talk about it.
Not because I enjoyed hearing things over and over, quite the opposite actually but because I believe in the power of processing what you have been through. I wanted to empower my sons to process what they had faced at such a young age.
Over the last two years I have faced I don’t even know how many questions and disclosures of new facts I had not before heard. Every time is brutal for me, listening, responding, affirming and loving them. I see it as my duty being their mother. Sadly, I have heard countless survivors who are now adults themselves tell me they were never given the opportunity to process. This truth breaks my heart but I understand why their parents would desire to avoid the topic. I have been told that their parents would shut them down, change the subject or go so far to call them liars. As hard as it is to face may I be so bold to encourage you to never minimize the disclosure of abuse by anyone, especially your child.
Another brutal part of this journey has been the many times I have had to have blunt conversations about reconciliation or the lack of that possibility.
I have had to explain no matter if their abuser chose to apologize, promise not to do it again that they could never be friends with him again. As my boys have learned about cleaning up their own “messes” aka apologizing they have repeatedly asked for an apology of their own. This has given many opportunities in guiding them through forgiving someone even when they don’t apologize. Grateful for the lessons we have been able to have over the last couple of years even though what has brought them on has been undeniably painful.
Conversations about abuse do not follow a simple flow chart, there is no guide to tell you when and what conversation will come next. If I could sit with every survivor and/or their mother who has had to walk through this and cry along with them while encouraging them to keep on I would. No person should have to have these conversations as the survivor or the friend/mother. I would remind them though that in the midst of the discussions they are laying a firm foundation for their future. They are de-mystifying what they have been through and helping them to have clear concrete thoughts and beliefs about themselves.
So often with abuse, shame overtakes the individual.
Shame can cause all sorts of negative things in one’s life. Keeping them from shame and the belief that they are to blame or dirty is vital to helping them live healthy well-rounded lives.
You can walk through abuse and come out victorious; you are strong.
Here are a few different hopeful glimpses of late night moments with my oldest.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BhMfp06DqG4/?taken-by=nothinglikeiexpected
https://www.nothinglikeiexpected.com/motherhood-when-your-4-year-old-challenges-you/
