Where Does My Value Lie?

Where does my value lie?  Is it in what man says of me, Ian included?  Is it in how much money I can bring home?  Is it in how much of myself I can sacrifice for others?  Why can I not be satisfied in what God says about me?  He paid the highest ransom out there just for me.  He loved me so much that He sent His Son to die for me. (John 3:16)  He took the time to knit me together, His thoughts for me out number the sands of the sea. (Psalm 139) Who am I to say that I am worthless if the Creator of the Universe says differently?

For years I thought I didn’t care about what man thought of me but I know that’s not the case because I always was desperately seeking out others approval.  Shortly before Ian and I got married a lot of the need of others affirmation went away, not all but a lot did.  Now sitting back though I realize it didn’t truly go away it just got transferred to one man, Ian.  I thought I don’t need everyone’s approval, just his, if Ian is pleased with me than I will be okay.  Unknowingly, I took on a life that God never intended me to have, a life of giving in and up.  For nearly the last two years I have taken every frustrating blow in silence, well maybe not every but the most painful to my core.  Every time I felt neglected, rejected and plain forgotten I told myself, “its ok, he is broken” all the while he was breaking me.  I never once went to God and asked Him what He thought of the situation or me; I would just swallow the nasty situation and try to move on.  The thing is you can’t ever just move on from a wounding, you can only swallow so much nasty stuff before it eventually comes back out.

Until I quit working, to be a stay at home mom I never thought the money that I brought home meant anything to me but apparently it had a huge hand in my self-worth.  I am not one who is in love with money, I am quite content with very little, a hand written note to me is more valuable than the nicest most expensive gift someone could buy me.  For some reason though when I was no longer contributing to the household in a financial standpoint I all of suddenly felt as though I was worth nothing because there was no dollar sign attached to my name.

I have always loved traveling and serving God in a tangible altruistic way but it wasn’t until I stopped doing it that I realized how much of my identity and value was tied into it.  No one would ever tell you that it is bad to serve others in a third-world country, if anything they would call you a saint, which may bring us back to the value from words of man thing.  Anyways, when God initially put my travel on hold I thought it was to get my degree so I would be better equipped to serve the hurt and dying overseas so I was still in my heart serving these people.  Now that it has been 3 years since I left for my last missions overseas or missions at all with no sign of returning soon I feel like I am dying and that half of me is missing.

So where does my value come from?  Apparently it is in man, money and ministry.

God, what is it You say about my identity and value?

I say, you, my child are chosen, since before the foundation of this world (Ephesians 1:4).  I say that I formed you, I know you from the inside out and I didn’t make a mistake (Psalm 139).  I have loved you fully and because of me you have the beginning knowledge of what love is and no reason to fear (1 John 4:18-19).  You have far more value than you can even comprehend let alone what you are thinking now, you are a co-heir with my Son Jesus Christ (Romans 8:14-17).

Stop questioning me.  Believe the Word, let it drop down from your head into your heart.  Accept it.  You are my beloved.